Marriage communication: three common mistakes and how to fix them

Marriage Communication: What Does It Say About Your Relationship? Is he strong and stable, or could he head to the divorce court soon? Many marriages can be saved with improved communication. Often it is the simplest and most common bad habits that cause problems for couples. Take a look at three mistakes that many troublesome save marriage talk share.

1- Shout at your spouse

When you feel angry, you will probably start to raise your voice. Anger creates tension within your mind and body over time. As it accumulates, find a way to release or express it. Yelling at your spouse becomes a quick and easy option, although it often causes more problems than relief. It can feel good to unleash tension on your spouse when you are teased, but the feeling of satisfaction is often short-lived. Whatever you said (shouted) in your angry state will probably add fuel to the fire.

Yelling at your spouse throws a lot of strong negative emotions out in the open. No matter what you are trying to communicate at that moment, emotion will take center stage. That is what will capture the most attention from your spouse. Unfortunately, your spoken message will be diminished or even misunderstood. Set your partner to be defensive and frustrated instead of responding and understanding.

It’s not that you can’t express a strong emotion when you talk, come on, you’re not a robot! But yelling goes beyond the line and sets the stage for an exchange of heated emotions rather than clearly communicated words. Even if your emotion is really the message you need to share, a pure emotional exchange can easily transform into a stressful destructive habit. At some point, emotions need to be communicated in a way that allows you to overcome them, not feed them.

Let your words speak volumes to your spouse

When you can control your emotion, your message can really shine. This does not mean that you should try to eliminate your emotions. They can be a very important part of your situation. But remember: the whole point of communication must be clearly understood. To do that, your communication channel must go two ways. Excessive emotion interferes with that.

Take some time alone to help you cope with the wave of feelings and let them calm down on their own. Another option is to take a quick break before continuing the conversation. Exercise is an excellent stress reducer and can easily distract you from your intense feelings. It is quite difficult to focus on your problems when you are almost out of breath! You may also find it helpful to write down the things you want to say, so be careful to get your message across more clearly.

It’s okay to take your time to talk about something that makes you feel really emotional. You will probably get over the problem more easily if you can keep your spouse by your side rather than away.

2- Have a competitive attitude

Competition is everywhere around us. Soccer games on TV, soccer games in high school, getting ahead of work, Christmas shows in the neighborhood, whatever, and someone will try to win it. You may have to get ahead of the game in some areas of your life, but your marriage is not one of them. When one person is always the winner, both spouses lose.

Okay, so maybe a little competition between spouses on the racquetball court is fine, and maybe you enjoy attacking your spouse when your March Madness party wins a year. But that is all. Anything that is not mutual and playful could build a wall between you.

If you find yourself building a “case” in the back of your mind with footholds for each disagreement, chances are you almost always win the argument. However, you can do more to exhaust and demoralize your spouse than anything else.

Think about why you need to win

Some people bring competition to their marriage because they feel insecure. A person with emotional insecurities can overcompensate by trying to appear superior or impress their spouse. When they can prevail, they feel stronger and more secure. They may have trouble being vulnerable, even with their spouse. Doing so would expose their insecurities and collide with their own image as a success.

Does this sound familiar to you? Does your spouse tire of your victory dance and your need to always have the upper hand? Maybe they just want you to come back to earth a little. They are probably much happier in your presence when you show your blemishes and look human.