The Tree-Part Formula
The Behavior + My Feelings + Action Request
- Identifying the behavior(s) of the other person that is the direct trigger for your feelings. Identify how the other person is making you feel. Do not say, “You made me feel this way.” Say instead, “Your behavior made me feel this way.” Behavior can be changed, but no one can change who they are.
- Identify what you would like the other person to do differently so you will feel better.
- Tell the person this directly and without anger or aggressiveness. Use good eye contact and strong posture.
- If the other person tries to argue with you, repeat your Three-Part Statement and refocus the discussion on the person’s behavior.
Here are a few samples, Three-Part Statements:
- When you drink and we fight with each other (behavior), I feel very scared inside (my feelings). Could you seek help to stop drinking (action requested)?
- When you use a sarcastic tone of voice with me (behavior), I feel like you are putting me down and then I feel angry (my feelings). Could you avoid using sarcasm when we talk (action request)?
- When you criticize me in front of my friends (behavior), I feel embarrassed (my feelings). Could you speak to me in private when giving me criticism (action request)?
How Long Will It Take to learn?
Determination is more of an attitude than a skill. It needs constant cultivation. Determination is built on your inborn instinct for survival; the survival instinct is at its core. If you consistently cultivate an attitude of determination, the result that you achieve will amply reinforce your efforts. Hope feeds determination. Determination and hope working together produce success, which is what your recovery is all about.
How Is It Done?
Determination is essential to a successful recovery. In many respects, you have already demonstrated a great deal of determination. You have survived the psychodramatic event of your childhood. Even though your current lifestyle is painful, you are reading this article. These are signs of true determination. These are signs of someone who will never give up.
A serious mental health issue such as borderline personality disorder (BPD) requires mental health treatment by qualified professionals, there are also options for self-help for individuals with BPD. These self-help methods need to be used in addition to formal treatments for BPD (like psychotherapy and medicine).
